Weakness

The honeymoon is over.

Raw honesty coming at you. Here we go.

Lately I feel like I'm dealing with my inner child. The one who doesn't like hearing "No." The one who wants to live by whim. The one that needs to learn discipline.

I never realized how much our childhood habits impact our adult mindset. I know it's obvious. I know. But I never let it sink in.

I have a big Southern family. We cook. We eat. We tell stories. It's just how we operate. The problem is, there really weren't limits when I was growing up. It's not something I'm blaming my family for, it's just an observation. For instance, we weren't the kind of people who asked which dessert you'd like to have; we created a dessert sampler and let you try all of the desserts! That's actually rather generous. It's also something that's hard to out-think as an adult. I'm so accustomed to having it all that I'm having to reprogram myself to be moderate.

My husband is totally different. He grew up with a single Mom who set limits. She budgeted and made sure they had what they needed with a treat here or there. She raised him to be disciplined. So he 100% does not share my 'have it all' mindset. He is much better at drawing the line.

I'm going to come to my own defense here. I'm not an undisciplined person. I have an advanced degree. I have a serious job. I have trained for a 5k, remember that? I know how to push through hardship and pain. For some reason, though, food has always been my kryptonite. It's the big struggle for me.

It's not my family's fault. It's not. Granted, it would've been easier if we'd had better food boundaries. I probably would've learned to pass on a cookie at an earlier age than, say, 20. It's on me. I'm an adult. I make my own decisions. No one holds a gun to my head and demands I eat donuts. I get it. But it's also a lot more nuanced than that.

Lately I've been thinking about how counter-cultural eating well actually is. For example, my husband makes AMAZING French toast. A friend asked for his recipe, and he sat down and tried to think of how to write the recipe. He couldn't. He cooks by instinct. Finally he told me we should just invite that friend and her SO over for brunch so he could teach her. I think it's really great he's willing to do that, so I set up brunch. Now let's talk about where that leaves me.

I can't eat French toast right now. Maybe at some point I'll be able to schedule a cheat here or there, but I'm not there yet. I'm just not. I haven't done the mental work to be ok with that. So we're going to have friends over, and my husband is going to cook delicious food that I can't eat. We're social creatures. How do you think that's going to go?

I know I'm going to catch it. Our friends are going to roll their eyes and tell me to just try a piece. Will is going to defend me. I have enough backbone not to give in. Still, it's going to be awkward. That's the kind of thing that drains me lately - setting boundaries and fighting to keep them in place.

It takes a lot of work to continually avoid the temptation we're all surrounded by. You have to deal with your own weakness, and that is often compounded by the social pressure to just 'try it.' I feel I'm in fifth grade repeating D.A.R.E principles only now as they relate to food. "Just say NO!" Right?

I will say, I'm learning how to deal with people who push food at me. It's not that hard for me because I'm ok with saying no. It's only hard because (let's face it) sometimes they're feeding the weakest part of me, that inner child who is also begging me to 'just try it.' And that's not ok. At some point the inner adult has to win with a "because I said NO!" So here's to learning to parent the inner child into a disciplined human being, despite social pressure to cave.

weight loss: 21 pounds
sanity: present with moments of interference